I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
