My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
