I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
