You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She needs sedatives and a leash
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
