I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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