Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
