Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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