I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The power of my boobs compel you
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
