I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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