I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
