i just snorted my name. best moment ever
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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