So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
