arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
