so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
