He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
