And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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