It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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