Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm just crazy horny about you
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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