party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
