Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
