it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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