That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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