just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
