I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize