I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I need moral support for this bender
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
