On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
