why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
