Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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