did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
