oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
