Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
