Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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