I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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