I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
