Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
