I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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