Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
