I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
