I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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