I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
