I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
