i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
