I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
