Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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