so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
