Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
