Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
did i just pee glitter
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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