I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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