yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
