Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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