Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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