i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
