____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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