I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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