someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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