At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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