Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
True strength comes from lack of pants
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