he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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