I'm lost and stupid without you.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize