I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
