sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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