I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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