that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
