I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
